Nov
03
This is not about our committment to God but His committment to us...
From September 28 to October 2, I went through severe mental attacks. Having taken two pregnancy tests and seeing them both come back positive rocked my world like never before. I was immobile. Depression sunk in- coming home by 6pm to sleep until 6am… 12 straight hours. There were even a few days where sleep was more numbing than anything, even food, so I wouldn’t eat. I thought of filling my car up with gas and driving away until it ran out, ending up who knows where. I guess you would call that running away. What about my job?? I’m not married? How is that going to “look” with me being a middle school teacher, single and with child? Transferring was another thought. Or what about the easy way out- suicide. I can’t possibly survive this life with a baby nor do I want this baby to.
***Many may view the above statements as absolutely ridiculous, selfish and maybe even unthought-of of to even come from “Esther.” I thought so too. I realize it doesn’t matter what you may say or think of a situation from the outside in- when it happens, your true heart and its motives and intentions are revealed. Mine? Fear of people’s opinions, not having control, selfishness and pride. It’s amazing how God can answer your prayer to expose your heart and answer it through an unexpected circumstance.***
In view of the news that Esther more than likely is pregnant (because at this point I was still hoping the 2 test were wrong), I had to travel to Jacksonville and then to Kansas City over the next 6 days. On the road to Jacksonville, I tried with little effect to process this information. In no way did I feel comfortable leaving Esther, knowing she had no one to reach out to, but I had no choice.
Now earlier this year, I had finally found freedom from a 14 year addiction to pornography. With my world being rocked and no way to deal with it, I found myself momentarily reverting back to what previously brought comfort or at least an outlet, porn. My old nature took advantage of my weakness. At the same time God was right there getting ready to meet me. The next two days, I was somewhat numb on the inside, doing my best just not to think about it. But I had to find a way to be strong in my conversations with Esther, not for myself but for her. Based on previous conversations before pregnancy was a possibility she had expressed how she didn’t know how she would handle an unplanned pregnancy. I can’t even remember praying for myself but continually praying for her. I felt distant from God but still had a hope that He would hear my prayer concerning Esther.
I called my doctor’s office and scheduled my first appointment only to see if I was “really” pregnant. Unfortunately, my doctor’s office does not do confirmations but only prepares for pregnancy (go figure?). But beyond my own belief, I scheduled another appointment, without Emmanuel’s knowledge, in Cary at 3pm on October 2nd with a different doctor to get pills for medical abortion. I remember thinking about that coming weekend- October 2 through the 4- how there would be two funerals- my papa’s and my baby’s. According to my research, I would have bled that entire weekend. Why the thoughts? Again… other people’s opinions, fear, condemnation, shame, circumstances (being single) and finances. Although I had repented already of the compromise and the act of sex with Emmanuel, with the new revelation of a pregnancy, I felt we had just sinned the day before. At the very same moment when I planned to do something I had always stood firm on the Word not to do- abort/kill the seed- I asked God to stop me.
**The flesh may not always be in the right state of mind to call out on God, but the spirit and heart after God will never cease to cry out to Him in truth; that’s what I believe and KNOW.** I dared God on September 30 to do whatever He could to stop me because I neither could nor would not stop myself. Oh to dare God to prove Himself now.
That Wednesday, I flew out to IHOP in Kansas City with some ministry family. Although there was still a heaviness on me, I knew it wasn’t an accident that I was going to the House of Prayer at that time, so deep inside there was an expectation. I refused to go back to Raleigh without some type of clarity. I remember sitting in the prayer room frantically searching the scriptures for anything relating to unplanned pregnancy, sex outside of marriage, and marriage just hoping something would click. But before God could speak to me concerning this child He first had to speak to me concerning the guilt, shame, and condemnation that was covering me. “Why would God allow this to happen now? We slip up one time and she ends up pregnant?!” “We worked hard to set a godly example of how to court and now every seed could be uprooted because of this!”
“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1
I had heard this verse so many times but never realized its context. The only freedom from condemnation is in confronting and dealing with the sin (Romans 7). I had confronted and repented of the sin right after it happened but when the fruit of my sin manifested the guilt and shame returned. That day as I sat in the prayer room I was forced to choose if I would take God at His word that I don’t have to accept condemnation or I could sit under the weight of it. I would love to say I simply chose the latter but it took God whispering to me repeatedly to get it. God kept reminding me of His love towards me. I kept hearing 1 John 4:10
“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.”
Thursday night, October 1st, God reminded me in a powerful dream His love for me, given through a cherished promise… Emmanuel. I have always felt the amazing love and passion of the living God through Emmanuel from our first encounters in friendship then courtship. I have never questioned it. He has always been a man who I trusted to love God more than me and has. In my dream, as I saw the burning and brilliant love of God in Emmanuel, God showed me that same love was given to me in the form of another gift- a child- because it was a seed formed by me AND Emmanuel. It was then I realized if I rejected the very gift God had placed in my womb, I was rejecting the love of Emmanuel… I was rejecting the love of my Daddy Abba Father. For those of you who know me, I’m infatuated and in love with God as I call Him my Abba… my Daddy… because He has always been there… consistent in my inconsistencies in every situation throughout my life, especially since middle school. Not only did God speak through this powerful dream, but my finances would not even allow me to pay for the cost of the pills. My direct deposit had come through Thursday, October 1st, but for whatever reason I did not check it until Friday morning, October 2nd. So… it was finished. God had proven Himself now. Esther had no other choice but to trust God and receive His love… period.
Esther and I had not talked much about how we were feeling over the course of the week but I was highly concerned about how she was dealing with everything. Without her telling me, I knew that abortion would be a thought that would try to take up residence in her mind and that scared me. Even though I didn’t know how we were going to handle this new life I knew without a doubt abortion was not an option. Friday was the day God began to speak to me concerning the situation and the baby. I was sitting in service and the Lord gave me this vision: With great love and care He was placing a seed in Esther’s stomach. While he was doing this he kept saying, “I love you so much”, talking to the seed but also to Esther and I. He has given us and entrusted us with a gift that is precious to him. Throughout the night he spoke to me concerning the seed: “the Lord does not give life as a punishment. I could have exposed you in any way but I chose to give you a gift.” God was faithful in pouring out His unconditional love on me at what seemed like my lowest moment. Grace through a gift is what God gave us for our sin and disobedience. That was the most comforting thing I had heard.
**Prior to 2009 I had never known the love of God. I had miniscule head knowledge but absolutely no revelation/life changing knowledge. This year the veil was ripped off and I came to encounter His love like nothing I had ever experienced or heard about before. Our God, heavenly Father is never disappointed in us. He never loses us less, always more. His desire is for us and there is nothing we can ever do to change His passionate love toward us. Who knows how this entire situation would have played out if I did not KNOW that no matter what God still loves me! No matter what you’ve done, God still loves YOU. He’s passionately in love with you.**
Out of all the stories I had read in the Bible concerning pregnancy and immorality the day before, God finally had one click. David and Bathsheba. Initially I was apprehension to even go with God on that one because I knew the child died but I yielded my understanding. God said the child died because David tried to cover up his sin, essentially suffocating the child. God spoke very clearly, “the preservation of this seed is in exposing it”. That night my mind was flooded with conversations that had yet to happen. Trying in my own mind to figure out what people would say about the “25 year old elder/youth pastor/mentor who has gotten a young lady pregnant outside of marriage”.
***In writing this blog, God has revealed so much to me and through conversations with other believers on fire for Christ. I have had the great opportunity to TRULY receive key spiritual counsel, God’s grace and forgiveness. Although our baby is unborn and in its early stages of life, I had to repent for my selfishness, rebuking every negative thought and word birthed in rejection towards the prophet in my womb. God tells us in His Word that life and death are in the power of our tongue (Proverbs 18:21). Also, He commands us to take captive every thought that would seek to exalt itself above the name of the Lord. I had to confess my thoughts, words, plans and any actions taken towards/in rejecting the very gift of life God blessed Emmanuel and I with. As noted in one of my personal blogs, I learned at a Catch the Fire conference that deep-rooted seeds of rejection are capable of taking root even before the child is well-developed in the womb. As you will read in the following blogs, as a result of my confession of selfishness and seeds of rejection, God opened up my ears to hear clearly and receive powerful instructions concerning the words of life to be spoken over and to our baby for their entire life. So, I encourage you to reflect on what I have spoken in this final paragraph and act accordingly as the Word of God commands as it concerns the seed(s)/child(ren) you have been given as gifts. God may very well reveal a breakthrough needing to occur in your own life from seeds of rejection planted in your own past. God’s Truth.
From September 28 to October 2, I went through severe mental attacks. Having taken two pregnancy tests and seeing them both come back positive rocked my world like never before. I was immobile. Depression sunk in- coming home by 6pm to sleep until 6am… 12 straight hours. There were even a few days where sleep was more numbing than anything, even food, so I wouldn’t eat. I thought of filling my car up with gas and driving away until it ran out, ending up who knows where. I guess you would call that running away. What about my job?? I’m not married? How is that going to “look” with me being a middle school teacher, single and with child? Transferring was another thought. Or what about the easy way out- suicide. I can’t possibly survive this life with a baby nor do I want this baby to.
***Many may view the above statements as absolutely ridiculous, selfish and maybe even unthought-of of to even come from “Esther.” I thought so too. I realize it doesn’t matter what you may say or think of a situation from the outside in- when it happens, your true heart and its motives and intentions are revealed. Mine? Fear of people’s opinions, not having control, selfishness and pride. It’s amazing how God can answer your prayer to expose your heart and answer it through an unexpected circumstance.***
In view of the news that Esther more than likely is pregnant (because at this point I was still hoping the 2 test were wrong), I had to travel to Jacksonville and then to Kansas City over the next 6 days. On the road to Jacksonville, I tried with little effect to process this information. In no way did I feel comfortable leaving Esther, knowing she had no one to reach out to, but I had no choice.
Now earlier this year, I had finally found freedom from a 14 year addiction to pornography. With my world being rocked and no way to deal with it, I found myself momentarily reverting back to what previously brought comfort or at least an outlet, porn. My old nature took advantage of my weakness. At the same time God was right there getting ready to meet me. The next two days, I was somewhat numb on the inside, doing my best just not to think about it. But I had to find a way to be strong in my conversations with Esther, not for myself but for her. Based on previous conversations before pregnancy was a possibility she had expressed how she didn’t know how she would handle an unplanned pregnancy. I can’t even remember praying for myself but continually praying for her. I felt distant from God but still had a hope that He would hear my prayer concerning Esther.
I called my doctor’s office and scheduled my first appointment only to see if I was “really” pregnant. Unfortunately, my doctor’s office does not do confirmations but only prepares for pregnancy (go figure?). But beyond my own belief, I scheduled another appointment, without Emmanuel’s knowledge, in Cary at 3pm on October 2nd with a different doctor to get pills for medical abortion. I remember thinking about that coming weekend- October 2 through the 4- how there would be two funerals- my papa’s and my baby’s. According to my research, I would have bled that entire weekend. Why the thoughts? Again… other people’s opinions, fear, condemnation, shame, circumstances (being single) and finances. Although I had repented already of the compromise and the act of sex with Emmanuel, with the new revelation of a pregnancy, I felt we had just sinned the day before. At the very same moment when I planned to do something I had always stood firm on the Word not to do- abort/kill the seed- I asked God to stop me.
**The flesh may not always be in the right state of mind to call out on God, but the spirit and heart after God will never cease to cry out to Him in truth; that’s what I believe and KNOW.** I dared God on September 30 to do whatever He could to stop me because I neither could nor would not stop myself. Oh to dare God to prove Himself now.
That Wednesday, I flew out to IHOP in Kansas City with some ministry family. Although there was still a heaviness on me, I knew it wasn’t an accident that I was going to the House of Prayer at that time, so deep inside there was an expectation. I refused to go back to Raleigh without some type of clarity. I remember sitting in the prayer room frantically searching the scriptures for anything relating to unplanned pregnancy, sex outside of marriage, and marriage just hoping something would click. But before God could speak to me concerning this child He first had to speak to me concerning the guilt, shame, and condemnation that was covering me. “Why would God allow this to happen now? We slip up one time and she ends up pregnant?!” “We worked hard to set a godly example of how to court and now every seed could be uprooted because of this!”
“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1
I had heard this verse so many times but never realized its context. The only freedom from condemnation is in confronting and dealing with the sin (Romans 7). I had confronted and repented of the sin right after it happened but when the fruit of my sin manifested the guilt and shame returned. That day as I sat in the prayer room I was forced to choose if I would take God at His word that I don’t have to accept condemnation or I could sit under the weight of it. I would love to say I simply chose the latter but it took God whispering to me repeatedly to get it. God kept reminding me of His love towards me. I kept hearing 1 John 4:10
“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.”
Thursday night, October 1st, God reminded me in a powerful dream His love for me, given through a cherished promise… Emmanuel. I have always felt the amazing love and passion of the living God through Emmanuel from our first encounters in friendship then courtship. I have never questioned it. He has always been a man who I trusted to love God more than me and has. In my dream, as I saw the burning and brilliant love of God in Emmanuel, God showed me that same love was given to me in the form of another gift- a child- because it was a seed formed by me AND Emmanuel. It was then I realized if I rejected the very gift God had placed in my womb, I was rejecting the love of Emmanuel… I was rejecting the love of my Daddy Abba Father. For those of you who know me, I’m infatuated and in love with God as I call Him my Abba… my Daddy… because He has always been there… consistent in my inconsistencies in every situation throughout my life, especially since middle school. Not only did God speak through this powerful dream, but my finances would not even allow me to pay for the cost of the pills. My direct deposit had come through Thursday, October 1st, but for whatever reason I did not check it until Friday morning, October 2nd. So… it was finished. God had proven Himself now. Esther had no other choice but to trust God and receive His love… period.
Esther and I had not talked much about how we were feeling over the course of the week but I was highly concerned about how she was dealing with everything. Without her telling me, I knew that abortion would be a thought that would try to take up residence in her mind and that scared me. Even though I didn’t know how we were going to handle this new life I knew without a doubt abortion was not an option. Friday was the day God began to speak to me concerning the situation and the baby. I was sitting in service and the Lord gave me this vision: With great love and care He was placing a seed in Esther’s stomach. While he was doing this he kept saying, “I love you so much”, talking to the seed but also to Esther and I. He has given us and entrusted us with a gift that is precious to him. Throughout the night he spoke to me concerning the seed: “the Lord does not give life as a punishment. I could have exposed you in any way but I chose to give you a gift.” God was faithful in pouring out His unconditional love on me at what seemed like my lowest moment. Grace through a gift is what God gave us for our sin and disobedience. That was the most comforting thing I had heard.
**Prior to 2009 I had never known the love of God. I had miniscule head knowledge but absolutely no revelation/life changing knowledge. This year the veil was ripped off and I came to encounter His love like nothing I had ever experienced or heard about before. Our God, heavenly Father is never disappointed in us. He never loses us less, always more. His desire is for us and there is nothing we can ever do to change His passionate love toward us. Who knows how this entire situation would have played out if I did not KNOW that no matter what God still loves me! No matter what you’ve done, God still loves YOU. He’s passionately in love with you.**
Out of all the stories I had read in the Bible concerning pregnancy and immorality the day before, God finally had one click. David and Bathsheba. Initially I was apprehension to even go with God on that one because I knew the child died but I yielded my understanding. God said the child died because David tried to cover up his sin, essentially suffocating the child. God spoke very clearly, “the preservation of this seed is in exposing it”. That night my mind was flooded with conversations that had yet to happen. Trying in my own mind to figure out what people would say about the “25 year old elder/youth pastor/mentor who has gotten a young lady pregnant outside of marriage”.
***In writing this blog, God has revealed so much to me and through conversations with other believers on fire for Christ. I have had the great opportunity to TRULY receive key spiritual counsel, God’s grace and forgiveness. Although our baby is unborn and in its early stages of life, I had to repent for my selfishness, rebuking every negative thought and word birthed in rejection towards the prophet in my womb. God tells us in His Word that life and death are in the power of our tongue (Proverbs 18:21). Also, He commands us to take captive every thought that would seek to exalt itself above the name of the Lord. I had to confess my thoughts, words, plans and any actions taken towards/in rejecting the very gift of life God blessed Emmanuel and I with. As noted in one of my personal blogs, I learned at a Catch the Fire conference that deep-rooted seeds of rejection are capable of taking root even before the child is well-developed in the womb. As you will read in the following blogs, as a result of my confession of selfishness and seeds of rejection, God opened up my ears to hear clearly and receive powerful instructions concerning the words of life to be spoken over and to our baby for their entire life. So, I encourage you to reflect on what I have spoken in this final paragraph and act accordingly as the Word of God commands as it concerns the seed(s)/child(ren) you have been given as gifts. God may very well reveal a breakthrough needing to occur in your own life from seeds of rejection planted in your own past. God’s Truth.
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